if the apocalypse comes, beep me

So, Judgment Day is coming in a few days, huh? From what I've heard, we'll have about five months after that before the world ends fer realz. And after having just read this post over at Feministe, I got to thinking about the self-indulgent things I would really, really, really, I mean really want to do if I knew the world was going to come crashing down around me, making the consequences of those actions quite minimal. I think I'll have plenty of time to fit them in and cross them off as I skip my way down the Path to the Apocalypse.

1. Ecstasy and heroin. Yes, I know and yes, really. You know how the uber anti-drug types are all hung up on the belief that simply talking about doing drugs is a way of glamorizing them? To a certain extent, I kind of agree. I've heard in detail what those highs are like and they totally make me wanna try it but there ain't no way. Well, that's a lie. I would do X tomorrow if opportunity knocked on my rave cave and said, "hey, let's have a happy, dancey, touchy good time." But if any of my family members are reading, relax ... the heroin is, without doubt, safely stashed behind Indulge Only In Case Of Apocalypse glass.

2. Fuck eight ways to Sunday. Whomever I want, as often as I want, however I want, with an absolute disregard for anything but the pleasure (and enthusiastic consent, of course) of whatever parties may be involved.

3. Rob a bank. It's the only way I'll be able to ...

4. Go to France and frolic the fuck out of the entire country.

5. Smoke as many cigarettes as I want without even the slightest bit of guilt or regret.

6. Quit my job after making my way around the office, telling each and every pretentious prick just what pretentious pricks they are.

7. Bungee jump.

8. Steal a CTA bus and drive it as fast as I possibly can on Michigan Avenue.

9. Smoke a whole punch of pot, put this song on repeat, and have hours of stoned sex.

10. Karaoke. Scandal's "Goodbye To You." And I will rock that bitch Kate & Allie-style.

So, to sum up ... if the apocalypse comes, please do beep me. Just be sure to give me plenty of time to take care of these things before hopping on a plane back to New York to shuffle off this mortal coil with my family, mmmkay? Thanks!