take two

* I posted this last week and then deleted it but have since decided that was just silly. So, I'm re-posting it. 'Cause I wanna.

I heart Jezebel. I do not, however, enjoy my heart being broken while reading about young girls who believe that in order to be loved and desired and respected by guys, they have to be the epitome of physical perfection.

How The "Good Guys Are Hard To Find" Narrative Hurts Women

For the most part, I didn't grow up in a world in which I felt constant pressure to be perfect; at least, it wasn't anywhere near the world in which most girls grow up these days. Of course, every girl feels pressure from everyone and everywhere to be the prettiest (but not too pretty because then you'll be a snob), smartest (but not too smart because then you'll be intimidating), sexiest (but not too sexy because then you'll be a total slut), Most Perfect Girl In The World™, but I've rarely felt ... as inadequate as some of the girls mentioned in the article seem to feel; which makes me both depressingly sad and amazingly thankful. I've never been thin and tall with flowing hair and gorgeous skin and an ass that just won't quit and to an extent, that's absolutely kept me from putting myself out there when it comes to relationships. But I'm lucky. I've always considered myself fairly capable of understanding and accepting that people are just plain different. People like different things and they look for different qualities in partners, whether they're looking for a sexual partner or long-term committed partner. What works for one may not work for another; I get that and I generally don't take it personally when someone doesn't dig me, for whatever reason(s). People have dug me, people will dig me, and if someone doesn't, he should absolutely move along to someone he does.

But as the always-awesome Dr. Elliot Reed once said, "How is it that no man understands that every woman, whether shes 16 or 60, still has that awkward, insecure, self-conscious teenage girl inside of her?"

Lately, and for the first time ever as an adult woman, I've caught myself comparing myself to ... god, I want to cower in the corner in shame and embarrassment even as I'm about to type it ... a teenager. It's utterly ridiculous for several reasons and the smart, 32-year-old, raised-and-loved-by-amazing-men-and-women part of me completely realizes that. I may not be able to immediately take myself out of that head space but when I do finally find myself thinking, "holy fuck, will you *please* think about something else?!" I remind myself that comparing like that is unnecessary and hurtful and serves not even one positive purpose.

When talking to a good friend about it, I mentioned the fact that maybe my self-esteem isn't what I thought it was; to which he responded with a bit of surprise because he's never really gotten the low self-esteem vibe from me (hello? I moved from Small Town, USA to City, USA with $62 in my pocket and no job ... fuck you, self-doubt!). I've thought about it quite a bit since that conversation and I've realized that I think I've confused the way I see myself with the way I see others because the following Jezzie comment is spot-fucking-on (emphasis mine):

It is really important to remember that who you are should not be a reflection of anyone else's opinion of your appearance. I am an older woman by Jez readership standards, not slim and not pretty, and for the most part treated like some obstacle to be gotten around by the men in the room trying to get to the Hot Chick, and have had a lifetime of this sort of treatment. This has led me to have low expectations of men in general, but it hasn't given me particularly low self esteem, although it has probably led to my holding others in low esteem. (Is there a term for the opposite of SELF-esteem?) It has led me to expect little from most men, and to appreciate the ones who behave differently and see me for the whole person. And to have healthy boundaries and not be a doormat. None of that's a bad thing.

If Jezebel didn't have that stupid 'audition to be given commenting privileges' policy, that's just about how mine would have read. I don't expect much from men but it's never been because I don't feel like I have a right to. Honesty and mutual respect are just about the only things I need when it comes to any kind of relationship with a man (anyone, really). I think everyone is entitled to make sure they get both of those things and if I feel like I'm not getting them, it's certainly not because I'm unworthy; it's simply because someone either isn't capable or isn't willing to give them. Sure, it took a few more less-than-awesome experiences than I would have liked to get to that point but the important thing is that I got there. Well, here.

So, when I do find myself comparing a 32-year-old woman to a 17-year-old girl, I get all Virgo List Maker on my own ass and think about the qualities each of us has and the reasons our mutual friend would be attracted to us. At the bottom of said mental list is a big, fat, written-with-a-permanent-black-Sharpie scribble that reads, These are *his* reasons and his alone. They may tell me a decent bit about him but they tell me absolutely nothing about either one of us.

Then I usually butt my cigarette and get back to the business of being perfectly content with my level of awesomeness. Which usually involves shaking my ass around my apartment while listening to this:

Share Gonna Be Your Boy by Leopold and his Fiction