an open letter to little boys in grown men's bodies

Dearest douchebags,

1. No matter how casual the environment, the workplace is still a professional place.
It's great when co-workers can be friends with each other and hang out outside of work. But when you're at work and discussing the lives of co-workers that aren't professional, but personal, it's going to get around the office. The best way to nip that problem in the bud is to not let it start in the first place.

2. Just because one person has a penis and one person has a vagina, that doesn't mean they're rubbing them up against each other in the name of gettin' it on.
It's hard enough making a valuable and meaningful connection with people as you get older without throwing sexual politics into the mix. Some men connect better with women, some women connect better with men. This doesn't automatically mean their connection is a physical one. And if you continue to make this assumption about me and someone I care about...gasp! in an entirely platonic, non-sexual, appreciate-who-he-is-as-a-person kind of way, I promise you, I'm going to get seriously pissed.

3. Your female co-workers, even your female assistants, aren't things to be "tapped" or "hit."
First of all, unless you're a drunken frat boy at a Cubs game, nobody says "I know you're hittin' that" or any other such ridiculous euphemism for sex. But most importantly, you especially don't say this when the thing being hit is that female assistant of yours that I mentioned. Ya know...ME. While it still would have been terribly inaccurate and disrespectful, had you simply said, "so, I hear you and her are having sex, eh?" it would have been one thing. But you didn't. I was referred to as the "thing" in the equation existing for the purpose of my co-worker's sexual pleasure. An erroneous statement and a fucking sexist one, at that.

4. A flirtatious, crush-esque relationship does not equate to "a huge thing" for someone.
You know absolutely dick about me. You know dick about my life, you know dick about my feelings. So to tell a co-worker I have "a huge thing" for him is not only wildly disrespectful, it's wildly inaccurate. Are you sensing a theme here, from my constant use of the words "disrespect" and "inaccurate?" Unless you actually know of my feelings for other people, kindly refrain from drawing your own conclusions. Because most likely, they're gonna be wrong.

To sum up, I have two words for you. Sexual. Harassment. Should the rumour that my co-worker is "hittin' that" get back to the partners I support or people higher up than your fucking Senior Manager title or his boss, heads are gonna roll. But before they do, I'm gonna roll right into the office of our HR Manager and make sure she's well aware of the untrue rumors running around the office and the fact that people at the Manager and Senior Manager levels are the ones spreading them, the ones referring to their administrative assistant as not a person but something to be fucked, and contributing to the unnecessary awkward workplace environment I've now been put in. We'll see how the head of HR wants to deal with it from there, mmmkay?

Respectfully (even though you've shown me no respect),
Me