Recently, someone not all that close to me pissed me off by betraying a fairly insignificant confidence but still...a confidence. It wasn't the piece of information I care about at all but the thing that pissed me off was the simple fact that she acted like a friend one minute and a gossipy high school girl the second. Translation: no matter how small, it's a betrayal of trust. And no matter how small, when that happens, I tend to get super pissed.
Trust is a funny thing. Something that doesn't come very easily to me, in a lot of ways, mainly because I tend to equate it with vulnerability. Break the trust and the vulnerability spills out all over the place, which makes me terribly uncomfortable. I consider myself a pretty open person and I'm generally willing to offer up any information, provided someone asks me for it. But I also believe it's not so much the information I give you that offers up my vulnerability but the "why"s and the "how"s behind that information. I can tell you, "hey, I'm this way" but unless you know WHY I'm that way, I don't really think I've told you much.
I can deal with it when I'm the one responsible for the spillage (I'm re-watching Buffy, so beware extra "y"s and "age"s with my words) but even then, I'd rather deal with it with as few people as possible being aware of it. And when someone else takes it upon themselves to do that for me, it pisses me off. Seriously pisses me off. An anger-and-rage-"you must do something to curb this or you're gonna lose your fucking shit" kind of seriousness. I've managed to figure out the things that help me do that (exercise, a modest and entirely non-raging-alcoholic amount of wine, writing, and occasionally, talking to someone I think would be able to help). But the anger is still there until I do one of those things to work through it. And when it's there, it's there in a way that usually screams, "seriously, calm the fuck down, why is it that big of a deal?" And for me, that tends to often spill over into situations that involve tiny little insignificant things. I've broken plenty computer...mice? mouses? because my computer froze and I thought banging the mouse on my desk would fix things. It doesn't. And it doesn't make me feel better.
While thinking about this recent incident, I thought the other night about the very first time someone betrayed my trust. At the time, it was dealt with in a fairly quick and simple way. A way that seemed appropriate at the time and one I've always felt, for the most part, comfortable with. But I think over time, maybe that feeling has lessened? I'm not really sure. But I think maybe it's that big of a deal because the very first time it was a big deal, I just shrugged it off.
When I trust someone and they piss all over that, I think I get so overwhelmingly angry because I never got overwhelmingly angry the very first time I remember it happening. Correction. I never got overwhelmingly angry the very first time other than internally. I never took that anger and showed the person who betrayed my trust that it was there and that they were the cause of it.
The weird thing is that I don't really feel angry about it anymore. I don't necessarily feel like getting angry and that "taking it out on" the person who was responsible for it would accomplish a single thing. I sometimes think maybe it would help to simply say, "hey, remember when you did that? I didn't really tell you at the time but I wanted to stab you with sharp objects over and over again. There, now you know. Carry on." I think maybe physically telling the person that they pissed me off, even if I no longer feel that way, will help me not jump immediately to anger when it happens again.
I don't know. But I may just try it.
P.S. Not many people read this space and even fewer make comments. But if you're planning on commenting and you have a pretty good hunch as to what I'm talking about in the latter half of this post, I'd appreciate uber vagueness on your part as well. Merci.
2 comments:
(I believe you've told me about this, so I'll keep mum.)
I've been on both sides of the trust-betrayal issue. If it's my trust that's being betrayed, my first thoughts go towards how pissed off I am at that particular shitcock. I'm mainly mouthy about it, as I'll bitch and moan and complain about the shitcock's actions. Once that's out of my system, then the real trouble begins, as I start reflecting on the particular shitcock and their actions. I end up being disappointed and saddened by said shitcock, but I'm largely upset at myself for letting said shitcock into my life and being repaid in such a poor way.
As for being on the other side of the coin, I've gossiped and told secrets that were said in confidence to me. Why? Boredom and immaturity. I was something of a recluse during my first two years of high school, but during the last two years, I made efforts to socialize more. I felt awkward and unsure of myself when hanging out with people that had known each other for years prior to me. In college, when everyone started anew, I had less years of friendship-making under my belt than those my age. I had very little to bring to the table, so I got along to get along. I had no real personality or character of my own, so finding out juicy bits of info on others was how I lived. Spreading stories or openly gossiping was a way to amuse myself, one that I justified by acting as if there was nothing important about me. You could gossip about me, but, in all honesty, there wasn't much about me to say at that time.
I developed better friendships near the end of my college time, and kept up with a lot of them after school. While I was learning that these were friendships that meant something, I would still find myself occasionally blabbing about stuff I shouldn't have. I had met the enemy, and it was me. When I went to live in Iowa 10-11 years ago, all of my trust issues on both sides came to a head. I burned others, and got burned in return. I acted like an ass to people who deserved better, and it was returned onto me. I lost not just money and some mental stability, but also some friendships that I had counted on...sometimes a bit too much. My thick skull finally allowed lessons I should have learned long ago to penetrate. I'm certainly not 100% perfect in these issues today, but as I've grown up, I know that there's more to lose these days.
I’m going to use your term “shitcock” as it’s a new one. And fun.
I tend to bitch and moan about a shitcock’s actions but not necessarily to said shitcock. There are a few people in my life with whom I’m comfortable enough to call them out when they act like assholes but not everyone. I value having a few really great people I’m close to rather than a bunch of acquaintances I don’t much care about so I tend to be very hesitant when risking any of those close relationships.
I think we’ve all gossiped and told secrets and I think we all still do, to some extent. But like you said about being younger, I think a lot of younger people to it as a way to get by…a way to fit in with others. I’m still far from the most extroverted girl in the room but I’ve always been on the shyer side and growing up, I did the exact same thing as you did and did those things because I was insecure about whether or not I had anything else to…offer. While that still creeps into my adult life in some aspects, it doesn’t happen nearly as often as when I was younger. And now I’m much better equipped to deal with it when it does than when I was a kid.
And mainly, because it has such an effect on me when I’m the one who gets burned, I try and make a conscious effort to not be the gossipy, babbling girl doing that to someone else. If I am that girl, I like to think I’m much better at knowing who I trust enough to be that way with.
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