ah, the new year

Christmas this year was...different. Parts of it put it on my "worst of" list, parts of it put it on my "best of" list.

Everything went...as expected in regards to my grandfather's passing. My mom and Aunt Nan were the daughters closest to him and many times over the years he told me, "I only keep fighting because of those 2 girls," which I know is the absolute truth. When my grandmother died six years ago, he was ready to go right with her. Ever since, any time he'd bring her up, it was obvious how much he missed her every single day. For my grandpa and I, that was a...shared bond between us. My brother has always and will always be the favorite of both of my grandfathers and I've always been the favorite of my Grandma Marion (the one who died six years ago). He knew that and he's always known the relationship we shared, so it's been one of those "little things" we shared. I've never wanted anything from him or my grandmother but my grandmother left me her engagement ring and he told my mother to make sure I get any and all of the photos I wanted that were in his apartment. He had his and my grandmother's wedding photo on his wall in a beautiful frame, which is now hanging in my apartment. My grandmother could be a miserable, mean woman and I think very few people loved her unconditionally...my mother, my grandfather, and myself. The rational side of me thinks that when we die, we die. That's it. We don't float up to heaven or hell, we don't haunt the people we didn't get with in life, we don't look over those we leave behind; we're just gone. But the only way for any of us to really get through losing him is to imagine he's with grandma, which is the only place he's ever wanted to be.

I did pretty well hanging on until we got up North for the calling hours up there and the funeral and burial, the latter of which is where I really lost it. I'd never been to a military funeral before and as soon as taps started playing, my aunt just lost it, which was fucking gut-wrenching. When they folded the flag, the guy walked over to my mom and gave her the "this is presented to you on behalf of the President of the United States in honor of Jack's honorable service to his country" speech and handed her the flag. At which point, she got up, turned to my Aunt Nan and told her it was for her. From that moment until we all got in our cars to drive back home, she never let go of it. She was the baby in the family and although he often told my mother "you're my first born," (one of my other aunts wasn't his biological daughter but my grandmother's), I think there was a special place in Grandpa's heart for his baby girl and my aunt and uncle were the ones who took care of him. My dad and I were talking about it at one point and for almost all of their adult life, my aunt and uncle had someone living with them. They took care of my uncle's mother for 7 years and my grandmother and grandfather lived there for a good many years, my grandfather having moved back toward the end. As difficult as it was to lose my last grandparent, watching both her and my mom deal with losing their other parent was ten times worse.

Since it was the middle of December in the Adirondack region, it was fucking freezing and there was snow on the ground. So after the burial and while people were...consoling and hugging and all that, I went over to their tombstone, brushed the snow off my grandmother's side to see her name and talk to her, and just stood there and cried. At which point, my brother came over, put his arm around me, and cried with me. I told him how I hate the thought of not having any grandparents left and the thought that most likely, that means my parents are next, which is not something I can even remotely begin to comprehend happening. And he said he thought the same thing and feels the same way. Which was one of the moments that put this year in my "best of" category. My brother lost a good friend...a couple years ago now, I think, and ever since, it's really obvious that he's a changed man. He'd never been someone to show emotion, he'd never been one to really say "I love you." When I hugged him goodbye as he was getting into his car, I told him I loved him and he told me he loves me. Not in the joking around or the half-assed "love ya" kind of way but in a way that I can't really describe. Before we'd headed up north, my dad told me how grandpa never failed to ask about us kids when my parents were up there and one time, he asked about Andy and my dad filled him in that the restaurant was going well and things are going well with Chelsea (his girlfriend) and Brianna (her daughter) and my grandfather looked at my dad and said so matter-of-factly, "he's a man now." My dad told him that story at the funeral home and I think it made my brother proud. In my Christmas Crossword puzzle last year, my clue for him was "the #1 thing I feel for my brother," the answer to which was "proud." I think it's something my brother hasn't felt a lot of. He fucked around a lot when he was younger and in school and was in trouble often and has never been one to really apply himself in many way. But as he's getting older, I think he's realizing what a phenomenal individual he is and I think he takes pride in the fact that my dad brags about us kids and Grandpa thought the world of him, and that his family loves him, whether he's a fucked up kid or a fantastic 35-year-old man. I think he's finally decided to let people give a shit about him and I think he realizes it's because we genuinely care. And I think he genuinely cares in return.
The weekend after the funeral, we took Briana for the weekend and as shocked as I am to say it, I adore the little girl. She's 6 and a bit of a pisser sometimes but when she's at my parents' house, she is the best kid I've ever met. We played with Play-Doh and we played on her little learning computer, and we watched holiday specials, and if I didn't know better, I'd almost say my uterus skipped a beat here and there. Her and Chelsea put her school picture in a frame and painted it blue and glued the word "family" on the bottom and it was among the bestest ever presents my parents have ever received. It bothers me a bit that she's getting to really form relationships with my parents and even with Aunt Nan and my cousins but I'm probably always going to be "Andy's sister" who she sees two or three times a year. My brother seems genuinely happy with where he is in life, which is so fantastic.

Last Christmas, my mom pulled me aside one afternoon and gave me back the engagement ring my grandmother left to me when she died. Although she had left it to me, my mom had asked me if she could just wear it for awhile, which was of course, perfectly okay. But last year, she felt it was time to give it to me but I couldn't wear it because it was too big and there wasn't really enough time to get it fixed before coming back to Chicago. And I didn't want to put it in my purse or stash it away anywhere while traveling, so I left it at home. But this year when I got back to New York, we took it over to the jeweler's and part of my Christmas present was my mom paying to have it re-sized for me. So I now get to wear it (on my right hand, of course) every day and it was the best Christmas present ever.

I've decided I'm going to start taking a week's vacation every summer to go back to New York and go to the camp my grandparents built when they got married. It now belongs to my mom and her 3 sisters and my parents are going to start spending some time there, along with hopefully, Andy, Chelsea, and Briana. In the summers, my grandma and I used to sit at the kitchen table and play rummy and Sorry and Uno and Scrabble, in between baking. Every morning, we got up early and walked around the lake and stopped at the little store on the way home where she let me get whatever toy caught my eye. I love the idea of giving Briana that same experience. It's a peaceful place, surrounded by trees and water and very few people and I think going every year with my family will be a really great way to...I don't know. I think each one of us appreciates every day what we have as a family but I cherish those "special" times that are thrown in here and there. So I intend to make sure there are as many of those as possible.

I hope all of your holidays were delightfully...I'm finding alliteration a bit difficult tonight. I hope they were lovely for all of you :)